| she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person.. |
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the girl who loved too much..
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[27 Jul 2009|03:47pm] |
i need to stop getting discouraged so easily. im really tired of crying every time someone offers constructive criticism .
and i secretly just want someone to be okay with the person i am right now. not the person i could be. i won't give up though. i want nice things and a luxurious lifestyle. i don't want to live at home with my grief stricken parents and my pain in the ass siblings. long beach is where i grew up, but it is not who i am. i want out of this suburban nightmare and into something that is mine.
its time to focus. stop doubting everything and just get things done. don't think just do for right now.
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[23 Jul 2009|07:01pm] |
alright i get it. he's just trying to help. but for some reason everything he says to me when i ask for help makes me want to just break down and cry.
STOP THINKING AND JUST GET IT DONE. WRITE A FUCKING COVERLETTER AND GET A JOB SO YOU CAN LEAVE THIS SHITTY TOWN AND THESE SHITTY PEOPLE.
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| when everything falls away... |
[21 Jul 2009|06:05pm] |
so much has happened in the past few weeks, i don't even know how to wrap my mind around any of it.
i've lost my best friend, my potential boyfriend, and my mind. i knew life was hard but i didn't think it would ever get this bad.
i don't even know what to say or do anymore. i don't think im making it to 24.
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| we're beautiful and dirty rich (dirtydirtyrichbeutiful.) |
[13 Jun 2009|11:15pm] |
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mia-paper planes(blaquestar remix) |
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mad struggles during work today. While i was excited that i actually got hours, it sucked that it was 8 hours straight. on a saturday. i kept thinking about how much i wanted to go for a run. now im sitting at home at 11 and thinking that now may be a good time to go for a run. its kind of late though.
my diet is going well, officially started that today. had a smoothie for b-fast, salad, small amount of choco-covered almonds for lunch, and a pbj with some cheese and crackers. i miss feeling full, but i need to realize that feeling full is just going to make me feel worse. and that eating just to get by is what i need to do. not eat just to eat.
lately i've been hanging out with nick. im going to get hurt and i know it, but for now its okay. he;s leaving soon. i did think it was weird that he brought up getting skype for when he was at school, and made a face when i said it was cute so he could talk to his parents. he's so bad at lying its not even funny. i know youre getting it so you can talk to ali who is going to be in europe.
i need to just stop talking to him all together, but i just can't. at least im not all teary eyed about it now.
sigh, alright im going for a run. peace out.
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[12 Jun 2009|04:59pm] |
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i really can't help but to feel sorry for myself right now. i am getting really tired of trying. yea okay i work part time at jcrew to get by, but its not getting me by. its not enough. i don't want to sound greedy, but its really not cutting it. something needs to give soon or i may end up doing something regrettable.
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[08 Jun 2009|08:26pm] |
i lied about my gpa on my resume.
nick went out of his way to get me a job, through a friend and all i can think about is, that he's probably banging her. and i lie about my gpa.
im more nervous about nick never speaking to me after he finds out i lied about my gpa then not getting the job.
something is seriously wrong with me.
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[31 May 2009|11:56pm] |
its really weird how not eating really makes you hate yourself.
everything seems like a much larger issue than it really is. for example, me sitting around all day just hating myself for no real reason. im not pretty enough to be dated. im not interesting enough to keep a relationship going. im not smart enough to keep a job. what the fuck is wrong with me? im seriously starting to think that these are just lies im feeding myself to cover up all my inner inadequate feelings.
i don't think its that i feel inadequate i think its that i just don't want to live past 25 out of shear embarrassment. i just feel like instead of learning from my mistakes that running away is a more suitable option. i just want to end it all most days.
maybe i need some serious mental help, but i don't think it will work. i feel im incapable of change.
there we go once again, another self defeating lie. about nothing. i really just need to shut my brain up for like ten minutes.
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[28 May 2009|12:33am] |
i am so fucking stupid. i really should have just said that i knew flat out that he is dating someone else instead of just getting down on myself. fuck fuck fuck.
all i want is my new phone and then to forget about him completely.
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[21 May 2009|05:43pm] |
i hold back the wrong things. and talk about things that i really shouldn't.
it wasn't that the sex was bad. its that i have a tendency to be a head case and feel that im the worlds worst person ever. its my negative view of everything that pushed him away.
i feel like curling in a ball and dying. i didn't realize how much i really do wear my heart on my sleeve.
moreso. i just don't think i wanted to date him as much as i thought i did.
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[17 May 2009|10:35pm] |
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my theory behind out little break up is that the sex wasn't as good as he remembered. and thats why he bailed. not just because he's leaving in september.
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[10 May 2009|01:33pm] |
so i feel as if i have this wonderful way of killing all the positives in my life.
nick and i have sort of gotten back together. but last night i asked him if we were dating or not and things got a little screwy. its completely understandable that he doesn't want to get attached; but at the same time whats the point of bringing me back into your life if you don't want someone to be there for you in a relationship sense?
i genuinely like the kid. almost bordering on loving him. he levels me out, takes all the complicated thoughts and theories in my head and simplifies them. he's the only person i've met that can do that for me. he also cares so much about me. i loose my job and he was the only person i wanted to talk to. just because i knew he would be the only one who i'd believe when they said that it would all work out and be ok.
i just hope that what we talked about doesn't destroy anything we had. i'm giving him a day to just digest everything and then talk to him about it. because i really do care about him and like him. he's pretty amazing. and a perfect mesh of everything i am. nerdy and into the same music, yet well dressed and classy. well, maybe he's slightly better dressed than myself, but i've got time to work on that.
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[04 May 2009|06:00pm] |
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living with jayne has made me remember how much being in middle school sucks, and how angry i was for no real reason.
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[28 Apr 2009|07:00pm] |
im lonely and upset cause im on a diet.
please pity me.
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[27 Apr 2009|08:29pm] |
I went out to eat with nick the other night. I had a few questions i wanted to ask him. All of which i got answers too. Some i don't really believe but i made it known that i don't really believe him.
Nick said flat out that he did care about me and i felt terrible for thinking otherwise. but to be perfectly honest, i wasn't really that into him at first. it wasn't until i lost him that i realized how much i actually cared about him.
its just hard, being that this ali girl will not go away. i really want to see if anything will happen again between the two of us. however im kind of scared to try anything with him.
i just want to have a friend. im just lonely.
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[19 Apr 2009|02:49pm] |
theres something about me that just doesn't make sense. I cant even form a sentence to describe how im feeling right now. it definately is a shitty feeling, but i can't really go into detail into why.
last night didn't help. I love getting text messages at 4 in the morning from ex's telling me that im disgusting, and cause nothing but nonsense. what the fuck? im sorry im not skinny enough, or tan enough, or rich enough to fuck you, but i am what i am. your comments just reflect a poor judgment on your part if i am all of the above; which i highly doubt.
i did nothing. we tried to make things work, and youre just a fuck up who can't be friends with anyone he's dated before. i should have realized that when you told me that your ex-fiance stopped speaking to you.
maybe it was me at fault for giving you the time of day.
why can't i just get over things? we broke up months ago yet he's still who i think about and miss. he fucked me over hardcore yet for some reason, i still gave him the benefit of the doubt.
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| everythings cool, as long as i'm getting thinner. |
[12 Apr 2009|06:17pm] |
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i sat down at my computer before and thought "fuck yes! i have mad things on line to do." Immediately after i realized there is almost nothing on here except webpages where i can look for a new job. Because i had an existential crisis at the one i have now. i don't want to stand at a table and sell makeup any more. the only reason why i haven't done it before is because i have no ablitly to stand up for myself. cause i get super nervous about saying anything that i never do say anything and i let things build up until i have panic attacks. great.
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[26 Mar 2009|09:49pm] |
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lily allen-not fair |
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i spend a great deal of my time on the meadow brook parkway, and the Long Island Expressway between exits 39 and 31N. my job is really unbearably routine sometimes; even though they tell us to essentially expect the unexpected.
the only reason why im thinking about this is because im constantly hearing at work that i need to just take control of what im doing. frankly that scares me because im afraid that i'd fuck something up, so i just wait around for someone else to do it. and why am i afraid of this? because im not in control of my emotions and its starting to scare me.
i started feeling like this as nick and i were on the outs. he was looking for the same thing i was; someone who seemed to know what to do and who had the answers. i don't have the answers because i find it impossible to see the lesson behind anything. i just speculate that theres a deeper meaning behind it. there is no conspiracy against me. but there is a lesson so i need to shape up and figure that one out, not harp on the negatives.
sometimes i just want to sit down with a therapist and say everything to them that i've said to everyone else in my life. maybe he could tell me what was actually fucked up and what was just me overreacting.
theres nothing wrong but i just don't feel right.
i've also tried to go back on a diet. i've been relatively sucessful in loosing a few pounds but its not enough for me. its just kinda hard to work the job i have an eat healthy. or get any exercise for that matter. i need to figure something out that will work that will keep me from eating so much crappy food at work, and allow me some time to go to the gym. i really miss running. that and i want to stop smoking again. my job just bores me so all i do is snack and smoke.
is it all in my head or is everyone bored to tears at work? regardless of what it is that you do, you're just constantly bored of doing it. i guess its just because it becomes routine after a while. oh well.
i think im done. night.
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[13 Feb 2009|06:34pm] |
i hate almost everything in my life.
im sick. my bank account is overdrawn and i have a loan payment and a car payment due on tuesday. great.
im single, again. and this greatly disturbs me. i hate more than anything being and feeling alone. no matter how much i try my unadulterated hatred of myself will ruin every relationship i have. great. its just so hard to see myself as a decent human being worth anything.
taking this out my myself by not eating isn't going to solve or make anything better. but im going to do it anyway.
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[27 Jan 2009|05:07pm] |
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there is alot going through my mind right now. almost all of it is negative, and i don't really know why im so cranky or upset.
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[05 Nov 2008|11:10am] |
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daytime tv. |
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so i'm feeling a lot better lately. I've been forcing the happy faced mar lately and its been working out. as my lover sarah gregory always said, "fake it till its true!"
i think alot has to do with the fact that I have almost no time anymore to sit around and be sad. i got a job in glen cove working as a PR/marketing rep for highlight inc. i really like it. its so fun to go to work in the morning and just be greeted by so many fun people with a lot of energy and a positive attitude. its just the commute that drives me crazy. the office is all the way up on the north shore so i have to leave super early to get there on time. its a bit of a hassel, but the people and atmosphere makes up for it!
other than that nothing else is really happening. im working towards getting myself out there more. but its still kind of hard being that im working two jobs now, and don't ever really have time to do much. oh well. things will fall into place. just how this great opportunity at highlight came along.
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