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she would rather imagine herself relating to an absent person.. [entries|friends|calendar]
the girl who loved too much..

[ website | wh0re sp@ce ]
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[19 Oct 2011|11:43am]
The days of livejournal have seemingly ended as a result of facebook and twitter. Thank god. While I felt compelled to sit and write something in here, it was driven by the point that no one really reads these anymore. Therefore this is an open space for me to write legitimately about how I feel; which to say the least is alive.

So much has happened in the past month alone that I can't even come up with one thing to focus on. Previous posts will show that I've done nothing but alienate myself from those around me because of the unending sense of loneliness that I feel. Well, that is pretty much the one thing I have accomplished.

I still reside in my parents home, hating myself and finding ways to make them feel just as miserable as they make me feel. No one ever talks about the privilege that parents get of emotionally abusing their children, but the minute any of them fire back its spoken of. I feel bad for the outlandish comments I've made in anger, but still feel that they hold some relevance to how I have been treated by them. This time of my life is the time I need them to be supportive of me the most, and they have done nothing but made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of being myself. As dramatic as it may sound, but I really do not think that they would notice if I picked up my stuff and just did not come home for a week.

Furthermore, I don't think they would even think twice about me not inviting them to my wedding or to celebrate anything positive that has happened in my life. I'm alone and always will be; something I've tried to ignore for almost all my life, but am being smacked in the face with the reality of it right now. I only have myself to depend on and I need to stop thinking that anyone at all cares. Unless I start caring, no one else is going to give two shits about me.
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[15 Mar 2010|10:23pm]
what the hell is wrong with me? we aren't officially dating but i can't bring myself to tell him to fuck off. he's making me crazy.
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[08 Mar 2010|12:29am]
So really nothing has changed for me.

Except I am slowly realizing that the best thing I can do to stand up for myself is to learn to let go. I've become so 'hooked' on Chris that this can not be healthy for me in anyway possible. Even more unhealthy about this situation is that this realization came to me while I was watching "How I Met Your Mother." The epidsode was about how there's always one person in a relationship who is "hooked" and another who is doing the "hooking."

He texts me a lot and does call me. I know he does care, its just he doesn't care as much as I want him too. A huge part of that is that I do have a habit for jumping right into relationships and expecting them to be like hardcore and all about each other. Pretty much i just expect too much.

Whatever, that last statement is irrelevant. The last time Chris and I had sex it didn't feel right. It felt forced and in no way was it exciting. I just did my thing to get myself off and called it a night. Also, I've had this weird cloud of doubt that pops up when ever I think about him. I know I'm not going to be with him and essentially wasting my time.

Every time I speak to him it just feels like he's lying and I can't take it anymore. I've become convinced, like I so often do, that there is someone else. Why can't I just freaking admit to myself that I do not need him in my life and that someone else will come around. God, I am being so weak. I need to laugh at myself.

Okay, aside from my almost permanent relationship problems, I have become terrible at my diet. Its almost like the minute I say I'm going on a diet I subconsciously start to eat more... And its not like its more healthy stuff its like doughnuts, or Ice Cream or Mozzerella sticks, of Fries. Really, I think, that French Fries and Mozzerella Sticks are the downfall of all my weight loss endeavors.

Well, not entirely is my diet to blame for my lack of success. I have almost entirely stopped doing ab workouts. The mere thought of sitting and doing crunches or stupid fucking pilates moves makes me angry. This is of course is after I have just ran or done some cardio and tell myself that "I'll do some of those moves from the exercise magazines when I get home." Yeah, that almost never happens.

Ugh my period just needs to freaking come already so I can stop being so mopey and think that my life is over.
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[15 Feb 2010|11:04pm]
For some odd reason i felt the need to inform my brother that when you get to my age you have to be good at juggling members of the opposite sex. This was sparked by the fact that i up and went to visit an ex in Albany this weekend. Yup, i hopped a train and went to visit Keith, on a whim.

What made things crazier was that before i left to go visit him, i got bombed at a fireman's benefit with Chris. Sloppily hooked up with Chris at a bar, then hopped a train two hours north and promptly fucked the shit out of Keith.

it was good to spend the weekend with Keith though. We did a lot of talking and catching up; it was good to be around him because he is one of my best friends. However, I feel like i have a horrible habit of dating guys with ex's who are completely out of their minds.

Keith's ex, Jenna, was out of control calling him and texting him and threatening him. It was absolutely ridiculous and pretty much ruined my weekend- somewhat. She was in absolute control of him and it was really annoying to watch. what annoyed me the most was not that she was doing all this, but the fact that Keith was stupid enough to fall for it all. Instead of just turning off his phone he kept answering her phone calls and text messages. Afterward he got all bent out of shape and was near tears because she ruined his day.

I really did not realize how much of a vagina he is. Like the kid is so freaking weak and I didn't even realize it. I did a lot of thinking about this and for a little while, I thought that Keith was the one for me and that we would end up married, but I re-realized everything i never really liked about him. He's weak, not that attractive, and really just a pain in the ass kind of. We both changed a lot, but I feel like I changed much more than him, and the person I am right now doesn't want to be with him.

Almost everyone I was friends with at school thought that the two of us are going to get married, but I definitely don't see it anymore. He doesn't have what I want from a person. well that's not entirely true, I know I am emotionally in love with him, but I really do not see this going anywhere past really good friends, with benefits. I just do not want him to get so attached that I break his heart.

I have done a lot of thinking about what I like in a guy. i know I'm going to get hurt by the guy that I fall for, but I really need someone who is kind of an asshole. Keith is so secretly sensitive that it nauseates me. He was more emotional about this whole situation with Jenna that he literally almost cried. I have never seen any guy that I've dated come even remotely close to tears. I felt bad for him but at the same time he was being so freaking dumb about the entire situation.

Where I think I've grown a lot in the last two years is that I've definitely become a lot more self confident. I really would not let one person be that in control of me, the way that Keith let Jenna walk all over him. While I have had guys take full advantage of me, I am convinced that Chris is doing just that too me, I at least will stand up for myself and say something when I feel like I've been pushed too far. I just really do not get how he could be so fucking stupid when it comes to girls. He knows absolutely nothing about them.

This is just ridiculous. What kind of annoys me more is that I put up with Keith being a wimp all weekend and bitching and moaning about it. I rarely ever get to see him and when I do, he was all hyper focused on this crazy girl. It put a huge damper on my weekend.

And of course I had to get completely wasted to deal with his bitching. I guess I somehow got him back for annoying me all day. The only thing that sort of bugs me about what I did was that I'm sure I made an ass out of myself in front of his law school friends. But in all honesty I didn't really like them much. they weren't very nice or accepting; just really big downers to be honest.

This is a completely random thought, but this weekend when I had sex with Keith I totally forgot how big his penis was. The sad thing is that I was really thinking about Chris the entire time. That makes me feel like a complete bitch. I totally walked all over Keith this weekend and he had absolutely no idea that I was thinking about someone else the entire time. And I was kind of bored while I was up there. We went to a movie, and I got really wasted. Doesn't really sound like that awesome of a weekend. Oi vey. Sometimes I'm a huge bitch and don't even realize it.

Wow, I think that this is the single longest entry I've ever written. And Strangely I want to write more. I don't think I have anything to say though.
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[30 Jan 2010|08:40pm]
Love is synonymous with insanity. I've fallen for a kid who is crazy, involved in everything i stand against, and out right wrong for me: but i just can't help caring about him.

the last two days he, chris, has been a total asshole. there will be days, pretty much every two weeks since i've known him, where he just completely ignores me and wants nothing to do with me. i don't gett it? do i just attract assholes who treat me badly.

the sex is amazing, its just thats all i feel like it is lately.
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[31 Dec 2009|11:50pm]
Its new years eve and I'm sitting alone in my room at 1145pm. What happened? Why am I finally as alone as I always felt I was. No ones going to text me happy new year, no ones going to ask me what I did. No ones even going to notice that I was even there.

Maybe all these years I should have realized what I actually had, instead of focusing on what I don't have.
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[27 Jul 2009|03:47pm]
i need to stop getting discouraged so easily. im really tired of crying every time someone offers constructive criticism .

and i secretly just want someone to be okay with the person i am right now. not the person i could be. i won't give up though. i want nice things and a luxurious lifestyle. i don't want to live at home with my grief stricken parents and my pain in the ass siblings. long beach is where i grew up, but it is not who i am. i want out of this suburban nightmare and into something that is mine.

its time to focus. stop doubting everything and just get things done. don't think just do for right now.
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[23 Jul 2009|07:01pm]
alright i get it. he's just trying to help. but for some reason everything he says to me when i ask for help makes me want to just break down and cry.

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when everything falls away... [21 Jul 2009|06:05pm]
so much has happened in the past few weeks, i don't even know how to wrap my mind around any of it.

i've lost my best friend, my potential boyfriend, and my mind. i knew life was hard but i didn't think it would ever get this bad.

i don't even know what to say or do anymore. i don't think im making it to 24.
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we're beautiful and dirty rich (dirtydirtyrichbeutiful.) [13 Jun 2009|11:15pm]
mad struggles during work today. While i was excited that i actually got hours, it sucked that it was 8 hours straight. on a saturday. i kept thinking about how much i wanted to go for a run. now im sitting at home at 11 and thinking that now may be a good time to go for a run. its kind of late though.

my diet is going well, officially started that today. had a smoothie for b-fast, salad, small amount of choco-covered almonds for lunch, and a pbj with some cheese and crackers. i miss feeling full, but i need to realize that feeling full is just going to make me feel worse. and that eating just to get by is what i need to do. not eat just to eat.

lately i've been hanging out with nick. im going to get hurt and i know it, but for now its okay. he;s leaving soon. i did think it was weird that he brought up getting skype for when he was at school, and made a face when i said it was cute so he could talk to his parents. he's so bad at lying its not even funny. i know youre getting it so you can talk to ali who is going to be in europe.

i need to just stop talking to him all together, but i just can't. at least im not all teary eyed about it now.
sigh, alright im going for a run. peace out.
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[12 Jun 2009|04:59pm]
i really can't help but to feel sorry for myself right now. i am getting really tired of trying. yea okay i work part time at jcrew to get by, but its not getting me by. its not enough. i don't want to sound greedy, but its really not cutting it. something needs to give soon or i may end up doing something regrettable.
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[08 Jun 2009|08:26pm]
i lied about my gpa on my resume.

nick went out of his way to get me a job, through a friend and all i can think about is, that he's probably banging her. and i lie about my gpa.

im more nervous about nick never speaking to me after he finds out i lied about my gpa then not getting the job.

something is seriously wrong with me.
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[31 May 2009|11:56pm]
its really weird how not eating really makes you hate yourself.

everything seems like a much larger issue than it really is. for example, me sitting around all day just hating myself for no real reason. im not pretty enough to be dated. im not interesting enough to keep a relationship going. im not smart enough to keep a job. what the fuck is wrong with me? im seriously starting to think that these are just lies im feeding myself to cover up all my inner inadequate feelings.

i don't think its that i feel inadequate i think its that i just don't want to live past 25 out of shear embarrassment. i just feel like instead of learning from my mistakes that running away is a more suitable option. i just want to end it all most days.

maybe i need some serious mental help, but i don't think it will work. i feel im incapable of change.

there we go once again, another self defeating lie. about nothing. i really just need to shut my brain up for like ten minutes.
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[28 May 2009|12:33am]
i am so fucking stupid. i really should have just said that i knew flat out that he is dating someone else instead of just getting down on myself. fuck fuck fuck.

all i want is my new phone and then to forget about him completely.
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[21 May 2009|05:43pm]
i hold back the wrong things. and talk about things that i really shouldn't.

it wasn't that the sex was bad. its that i have a tendency to be a head case and feel that im the worlds worst person ever. its my negative view of everything that pushed him away.

i feel like curling in a ball and dying. i didn't realize how much i really do wear my heart on my sleeve.

moreso. i just don't think i wanted to date him as much as i thought i did.
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[17 May 2009|10:35pm]
my theory behind out little break up is that the sex wasn't as good as he remembered. and thats why he bailed. not just because he's leaving in september.
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[10 May 2009|01:33pm]
so i feel as if i have this wonderful way of killing all the positives in my life.

nick and i have sort of gotten back together. but last night i asked him if we were dating or not and things got a little screwy. its completely understandable that he doesn't want to get attached; but at the same time whats the point of bringing me back into your life if you don't want someone to be there for you in a relationship sense?

i genuinely like the kid. almost bordering on loving him. he levels me out, takes all the complicated thoughts and theories in my head and simplifies them. he's the only person i've met that can do that for me. he also cares so much about me. i loose my job and he was the only person i wanted to talk to. just because i knew he would be the only one who i'd believe when they said that it would all work out and be ok.

i just hope that what we talked about doesn't destroy anything we had. i'm giving him a day to just digest everything and then talk to him about it. because i really do care about him and like him. he's pretty amazing. and a perfect mesh of everything i am. nerdy and into the same music, yet well dressed and classy. well, maybe he's slightly better dressed than myself, but i've got time to work on that.
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[04 May 2009|06:00pm]
living with jayne has made me remember how much being in middle school sucks, and how angry i was for no real reason.
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[28 Apr 2009|07:00pm]
im lonely and upset cause im on a diet.

please pity me.
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[27 Apr 2009|08:29pm]
I went out to eat with nick the other night. I had a few questions i wanted to ask him. All of which i got answers too. Some i don't really believe but i made it known that i don't really believe him.

Nick said flat out that he did care about me and i felt terrible for thinking otherwise. but to be perfectly honest, i wasn't really that into him at first. it wasn't until i lost him that i realized how much i actually cared about him.

its just hard, being that this ali girl will not go away. i really want to see if anything will happen again between the two of us. however im kind of scared to try anything with him.

i just want to have a friend. im just lonely.
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